You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
