my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
