I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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