It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
