all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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