I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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