I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
