I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
