I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
