I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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