It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
