now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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