Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
