My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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