What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
