I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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