so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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