some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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