One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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