i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
