I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
