I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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