You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
