I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
