Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize