I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
