hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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