she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize