I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
