i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Randomize
