Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
