I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
