I heard we made out
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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