I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
