i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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