im six kinds of drunk right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
