guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize