1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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