Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
