Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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