can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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