I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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