I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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