Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize