I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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