You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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