you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
