Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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