my phone needs a breathalizer
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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