If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
ttyl tear gas
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize