You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
