You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
