I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
