Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
