oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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