Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
