Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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