then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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