i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
