im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
