I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
