Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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