Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want her autograph on my taint
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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